I don’t know what summer has done to me that I’ve been so into love. But anyway, that isn’t my agenda today. My agenda is to tell you a story about me that happened days ago and of course inject some of my past life stories. I chose sharing it on my tumblr because I know that no one will take a time to read nor to look at this. And here is my story:
Few days ago, I went back to adding cute and handsome random Koreans on facebook, they are totally my type and of course it got into me that it wouldn’t harm me because these Koreans wouldn’t give a damn about me. They’d just accept my friend request and off I go. I just wanted some eye candies or somebody that I could use for my imaginary love life. lol.
Then one day, one of the few days I was referring to, one of the cute Koreans I’ve added and accepted me as a facebook friend wall posted to me and said “Hello~ haha”. Of course, it got into me because it was the first time that a random Korean with no history on his facebook talking to a non-Korean got friendly to me. And of course the “Hello” with that squiggly thing gave me a smile, because damn! I was really happy. I’m sure that that guy is my type. And as I concealed all the little happiness I feel inside me, I replied with a harmless “hello too~” to him.
A day went by, he really got friendly. Asked me things and stuffs about myself, and I asked him back too. I was so happy that a smile couldn’t be gone in my face. A guy I certainly like is getting friendly with me, I was speechlees. As the wall posting got farther he told me that he was in a 9 day vacation from the Army and there are only 3 days left, aside from that he still has 6 months to serve the army. Of course it got me sad that I only have 3 days to talk to this guy.
Sadness came sinking in me. I know I’m happy on how the situation is going on, but I hope that it just never happened. Why? I’ll tell you why.
I am 18 and I never had a love life, so to say. All the boys I like just ended up liking other girls. And when I say all, it is ALL of the guys I liked. My role was always the girl who was left behind and keeps saying “It’s ok, I’m fine. Don’t worry about me, I can handle myself.” I always end up listening to my friends stories, watching movies and crying my heart out over those, walking alone, no one getting concerned if I was going home already, do I want to watch a movie “I’ll treat you”, talks to pets, and a lot more, I’d get sad if I will enumerate it all.
I know I’m still young to experience love and shit, and I can handle that fact very well. It’s just that although I’m still young, I’ve accepted the fact that no one will come to like me, even if I help them with the whole semester with their studies, even if I’ve accepted him when he has made the same mistake of making me look stupid to infinity and beyond, even if I try to be as likeable as I can, even if I try to excel, even if EVERYTHING, they’d just like some other girl in this world. I’d be just left or not be liked, or be just like an addition to the population to a guy I like. I get that. BUT WHY MAKE ME EXPERIENCE THESE STUFF? WHY DO I HAVE TO ENCOUNTER SITUATIONS THAT’LL DEFINITELY GET IN ME? LIFE KNOWS I’M TOO VULNERABLE WITH THOSE STUFF, I’M TOO AFFECTED WITH TOO MUCH WATCHING OF KOREAN DRAMAS AND MOVIES, AND I CAN’T DO ANYTHING ABOUT WHAT I FEEL.
So back to my story. now is the day that he is going to the army. It has been obvious to me that with just yesterday, I wasn’t a priority.
I cried because I liked a guy again who is really impossible to like me back. What breaks my heart is that even how bad I’m feeling right now, I can’t do anything about it. I tried to accept the fact days ago that I should know that this wasn’t for me, love just wasn’t for me. I have tried and tested that for how many times, and now again. Something in me says not to be stupid, but the latter part wants it so bad. I ask again, Why do I still need to be in situations like this? I just want life to let go of me and stop challenging and trying if I’m still vulnerable. If I’m not fit to be liked back, then so be it. Don’t go playing stupid jokes on me.
Our conversation ended yesterday. And as it always was, I was the last to reply. Even though I thought I had a friendly enough conversation with him, it wasn’t friendly enough for him to say a friendly “Annyeong” (goodbye).
I think you like Korea, right? Maybe just K-pop :)
Corn Matsumoto yes, I like Korea. I actually dream to be there sometime:) And I love K-pop, do you like K-pop too? haha, just a random thought.
Corn Matsumoto I want to see Seoul first:) I haven’t heard of Hea un dae, it would be nice to be there, and I want to visit beautiful parks too, somewhere peaceful:) But still, that dream would still be far from now. I’m familiar of Sistar, if that is what you’re saying:) I like them too, and a lot more K-pop groups. Anyway, it looks like it’s your birthday. Happy Birthay! Saengil Chukka Hamnida (I hope I’m right) :)
K Oh, you haven’t heard that place before ? really? I’m so sad : ( just kidding ! > < .I hope you come to Korea as soon as possible ! Whenever you make sure to visit Korea, connect me. I’ll help you whatever I can ! And I made a mistake, Sistar, that’s right !
Corn Matsumoto Aw, sorry, I’m still not familiar with the places in Korea, and also, I’m really bad with places. I even get lost in my country, haha. I hope I can come to Korea as soon as possible too, but it isn’t very easy.I still can’t afford going overseas, but if I will, I will get in connection with you:) Thank you for being nice:) Why is your birthday sad? What happened?
K That’s ok ~ : ) haha Are you adult? … Would you mind if I ask you something private question? kind of age, where do you live… and so on ;; Actually I don’t have any imformation about you haha. I just want to know each other, if you don’t mind : ) I think you live in Indonesia , am I right ?
K I’m in the army not professional. I left 6 month to finish … Can you understand what I mean ;; Korean young man have to serve in the army for 21 month ! That’s a duty of Korean man. hahaha I take a nine days’ vacation ! I have to go back army after 3days!! That’s why I had sad birthday : (
Yes, I am an adult, 18 to be exact. I’m still in college and a Filipino…what more? I can’t think of anything about me anymore. Haha. Yes, I understand, I have some Korean classmates in my school, so I know about the army, and also, I like K-pop so some of my idols need to be in the army… that is how i knew about that. Don’t be sad, it’s only 6 months to go:) Aw, only 3 days left…but you’ll be back:) It’s 1:06 here, May 14th too.
K 18 ?? umm… haha I’m 22 ^^ I was born in 1990 : ) I hope to be Filipine !! Someday I’ll be there ! haha I love travel foreign country. You can call me just Steve, my English name. You said, Kristine is your real name than what’s Corn Matsumoto ? Nickname or something ?
Corn Matsumoto Oh, our ages is not that far from each other. Oh, come here sometime, and also, I’d be willing to help you too:) Yes, may friends call me Corn because my Family name is Cornelio. The Matsumoto is just from my idol. haha! So I’m Kristine, but only few calls me that. That’s a nice name, Steve:)
K All right Corn haha . You are 18 and you have a husband /?? Isn’t it early for being marry? Not in your country? I’m just curios ~ What are you doing thesedays ,study in college ? um…. rainning outside in Korea now … :( I want to go outside~ I’m gonna take a drive alone !! kkkk Can you drive a car or something ?
Corn Matsumoto Hahaha, I fool a lot of people with that marriage. That is my Idol, he is from a japanese band, I made that account so that I can be fake married to him. Haha. In reality I’ve been single since I was born. Hahaha. It’s my vacation, so all I do is stay at home. It’s raining here too, really hard. Well, you take care driving:) No, I can’t drive, not even a bike. Haha.
K Ah … I was surprised …kkk I don’t have girl friend either ! :( I broked up 3 month ago… She’s gone to Canada for study for a year ! She’ll be back February next year… haha I think she made another boyfriend in Canada , maybe not . But I don’t care whatever … Sometime I feel lonely, aren’t you ?? kkk I’m best driver ! I never had accident even once during 2 years …. kkk
Corn Matsumoto Why are you surprised? haha. Don’t you love her anymore? Of course, I do feel lonely most of the time because I never had a lovelife and I’m thinking that no one really likes me or I’m not likeable. Hahaha. But if it’s really not meant for me,then let it be. hahaha. Wow, that’s great! You know, I once tried a bike and I can’t even try to balance it. hahaha
K No I don’t love her anymore… I’m trying to erase her in my memorise… hahaha whatever, I’m gonna go back to army tommorow !!! It’s so sad ㅠ^ㅠ (<- crying face kkk) I don’t want to sleep today… I want to do something…. but …. nothing to do …. kkkk You don’t like exercising ? like sports ?
Corn Matsumoto Me too, I’m trying to erase someone in my memories…but whatever too.Awww, that’s sad, another friend is going to the army :’( (I hope I can call you a friend.haha) Me too…I have nothing to do since my vacation started, It’s almost school time for me again now, and i still got nothing to do. I like mild exorcising , but not sports. I almost failed in all of my sports class, sports really make me sad.
That’s our conversation. ~~~~~~I just wished for a Goodbye from him, just to confirm it to a part of me, that doesn’t want to move on, to let go because he said goodbye. No matter how I want things to continue, I can’t do that:) I guess I need to give a convincing explanation to myself that would be tantamount to that Goodbye. That goodbye will let me go.
Well, at the end of the day, I came up with the same realization again : The joke’s on me, I need to face that. Maybe he’s just really friendly after being in the army for so long. Maybe I just got really excited because and ideal guy came to me saying Hello. There are lots of people having bigger problems and more heartaches than what I’ve kept inside me. I’d be ok, I’d be fine:) A good day will be on my way too. I just need to be happy and smile my way out :) Better luck next time. And next time don’t get too attached, Kristine, keep that in mind:)